Godparents are becoming a bigger part of our culture.
My first experience in Godparenting stems from watching Don Vito and Don Michael shoot the heck out of their enemies – at some tender age when I happened to be watching TV randomly. Parents – be careful what our kids watch on TV or youtube! You don’t want them to stumble upon some porn at 4 years of age.
My second experience was growing up, we had a bunch of guys interested in a bunch of girls from our local church. However, this group of girls was protected by this older male (probably in his late 20s or something while we were around 12 – 13.) He would choose all the pretty girls in the group and become their ‘Kai – Yeh’ or god father. The non pretty ones would be dumped aside, because us boys weren’t really interested in them. Which kind of sucks actually because that created a boundary tension within the entire generation, but when you are a 12 year old kid going into puberty, who cares about class segregation? This strange Kai Yeh was weird in that sense, that if any of us were interested in his group of God daughters, he would confront and talk to us. These days, this practice is probably accepted as a form of prostitution, with him being a head pimp, and likely he would go to jail and be labelled as a seriously creepy guy with emotional issues – but back then, when everything was innocent, who cared?
I recalled he approached my dad, when my sister was older, and he wanted to ‘Kai’ (in chinese, this means to be a godparent). I remember I was with my dad, and my dad said No. I guess he was like WTF. Who the hell are you and what have you done for my family? Get the hell out of my house before I set my doberman on you, you bloody pervert! I would have done the same.
The point of this article is what role is does a Godparent have?
I spoke to an acquaintance once and she said, yes, she understood what my wife and I are going through with 2 kids. I was a little surprised since she was single and not married. So I asked her, and she said, of course she understands what a parent goes through, she has 3 god children as well.
Hate to sound self righteous, but you.Have. No. Idea.
So I asked her what she did as a godparent and she described that she had to take care of them when the parents are out, she has to take them out, watch over them and babysit them sometimes, and buy things for them and remember all their birthdays etc. She basically said she is like the substitute grandparent.
Godparents – unless you are actively taking part of raising a child, which means:
a) Cleaning out shitload of shit for years;
b) Peed on countless of times and walking around smelling like a human latrine;
c) Experience sleepless nights for weeks when the baby is screaming even after feeding, and pacing the floor at 4 am to 6 am like a zombie;
d) Having his shit explode in a restaurant all over the chair while everyone is eating their dinner;
e) Same shit exploding through the helpless diapers in the car;
f) Dragging a screaming kid to school or scolding him in public when he decides to be a human mop on a grocery store;
g) Engaged in a cold war with the spouse who thinks you are a useless bum throughout the children’s lives and basically behaving like you are the universal cause of all the problems in her life;
h) Making a complete mess everywhere, including the house walls which is now covered with drawings;
i) Did I mention, shit exploding all over the place?
j) Not engage in any adult conversation for years and only interacting via the children;
k) Forgetting what it’s like to have a quiet dinner and when we do, have no other subject to talk about and just sit there waiting for the time we can pick up the kids and return to our lives as listed above;
j) Countless other experiences that DO NOT involve the following: buying toys, going to malls, taking laughing selfies, blowing candles, clapping hands, celebrating stuff like birthdays that involve any sort of happiness, cheering, encouraging, buying more useless toys that spoilt them, buying and eating anything that is sweet and doesn’t taste like celery, showing off same selfies through facebook to show how great a godparent you are, having hashtag #greatlifeofaparent, have picture of the child all over your iphone which is not broken or cracked or fell into a pile of shit, sleeping through the night, have uninterrupted adult conversation, have uninterrupted meals, have clean and tidy halls, do not have shit all over, having clean clothes, not going insane.
So, my dear friend, you have no clue what parenting is like. With all due respects to Godparents, unless you tick the ones above, please don’t tell any parent that you have ANY IDEA what it’s like to be a parent. Some godparents may tick the above and my hats off to you. I wouldn’t do even 1% of those if that kid didn’t carry my blood. My hats off to you if you can do that for other kids. But 99.99999% godparents out there don’t, so here’s to them to once more – STOP SAYING YOU UNDERSTAND BECAUSE YOU DON’T.
I am sure godparenting have their roles, but their roles are not our roles. Instead, offer any realistic support you can provide. Like picking up the kids, like actually spending time with them so when you pick them up, they do not identify you as a possible terrorist. Most Godparents don’t spend time. They just carry the kid, give some bribe and then go off to their wonderful life of freedom and liberty without a care in the world.
So, this is not to insult godparents, but to put them in their actual place of where they are relative to real parents. I am afraid that place is VERY different from what reality parenting is like. Do they have their use? Of course, when you need a babysitter.
In fact, if godparents were more like Don Vito or Michael Corleone it would be more useful – at least I can ask them to send the fat kid bully at school to the fishes for me.